The Future

     The future honestly scares the crap out of me. I mean they say life gets better, don't they? But then again they say life gets harder. I mean a teenager has a million more problems than a child. A college student probably has more. This is a generalization so it doesn't consider everyone but for most I think that's the case. I mean I'm near exploding point and I'm only 15. What about when I have to go to school I'm paying for and pass those classes? What about when I'm paying taxes and rent and buying food. I already can't take the simple stresses of life so how I am supposed to handle anything?
 Fun fact: suicide rates are more common the older you get.

Another thing about my future... whenever I imagine it I never see myself with anyone. Not a partner, not a boyfriend, not even a friend... I would even settle to be a cat lady because I love cats but no I cant imagine even that in my future. I see myself alone for some reason. Not depressed or a failure... just alone. Away from my family (free in a way) but away from everyone else too. I see myself trying to live and doing things I want and maybe helping people eventually... but with no one. And that freaking terrifies me. I'm an independent person and I don't especially want to get married. I mean I did want to at one point but I literally cannot imagine myself with a guy... happily. I can't imagine myself so comfortable with one and being able to marry him. Because if I was comfortable with a guy there's 2983% my parents wouldn't approve and anyone they would pick for me to marry (arranged marriage culture) I would probably never be comfortable with. That's why I stopped imagining myself with anyone. Maybe I can live a life of isolation and enlightenment... like a monk.

I never did want to grow up. I don't know why everyone wanted to honestly. I mean it was going to happen eventually. A real wish would be to stay the same age or to get younger because that doesn't happen. I never wanted to grow up especially in 3rd grade. Elementry school had it's problems but I think I knew in my gut my problems would only complicate.

And the thing about growing up for me is that even if I try to keep my youth in my mind... life just drains it out. With school work and stress and family problems I loose all my creativity and childlike happiness. Most of my happiness nows is bittersweet.

I feel like I'm growing up too fast and missing all the important things on the way. Skip to the future. School overshadows everything. It is important but it's not everything and it's not what you want to remember in 50 years. It's always there but special moments aren't always made.

I don't want to grow up alone. Or the smartest person. Or lose all my creativity. I don't want to grow up at all. But that's not a choice so all we can do is grow. Up or over or around. Grow until we don't which is never because even at death we grow. Into a memory and a more distant memory. We grow into the ground we are buried in and the stories told. We grow into the world and the air and into history as people forget us. Growing can't be stopped. It can be embraced and accepted and controlled. And that's what I aim to do, control my growth to go the way I want and how I want until I am who I want to be. 

I Write But I'm Not A Writer

   I'm not a writer. I don't pretend to be. But I write sometimes. Everyone writes in a way, even if they don't physically pick up a pen and paper or type it down. Writing is basically thoughts and ideas and emotions and creativity just put down on paper and some people decide to put it down. some people don't, others have talent in how they get their words out, and some struggle to create sentences out of their ideas. I may be the latter. But I write, not because I'm a writer, not because I'm talented in the least, but because I have opinions and ideas and thoughts that need to go somewhere when people stop listening. It's a way to express my opinion... sometimes to absolutely no one. When you speak an opinion and put it out there, it's hard to change it or to take it back, but writing is yours to keep until you're sure of it, yours to change and edit and rip to shreds when you know longer like it. Althought it's harder to delete things online, people still try. I prefer writing in a notebook... journaling. Because handwriting says something too. The way it can be neat and calm and collected, or scribbled and angry and rushed. The color of pen I choose. The crossing out and the adding things in on the edge. I can draw a picture (I'm not an artist either) or fold the page or glue things in. But typing works also. Since I am not a speed writer. So I guess this is a blog where I get to say what I think, most of the time probably figuring out what I think. Not as a writer but just as a confused person who needs a way to talk to herself without seeming completely and utterly crazy. But I am crazy, you know? In this screwed up head, with a screwed up mind just floating in nothingness trying to break through the mysteries of life. So until I post for real...